Being brave

Maybe sometimes being brave is not skydiving or solo-travelling, maybe it takes just as much courage for an introverted person to open up and not keep it all in.

It has been months since I’ve read the book by Brene Brown, “Daring Greatly”, and her words still ring in my thoughts from day to day. “Daring greatly means the courage to be vulnerable. It means to show up and be seen. To ask for what you need. To talk about how you’re feeling. To have the hard conversations.”

It has been hard for me. Indeed, being vulnerable is not easy. Maybe to me being vulnerable was a form of letting myself down and others down. A point where I never thought I would face. I have had so many people affirmed me of my passion and patience to work with kids. So many ex-principals, colleagues and parents of my ex-students who believed I had potential and was a good teacher. It doesn’t help that I was the top student for my diploma course and the valedictorian for my degree course in early childhood. I’m not here to boast, but I’m here to say that these achievements are hindering me from showing that “I am not good enough”. Maybe my expectations of myself was too high, or maybe I just didn’t want to let others who believed in me down. 

But there were so many nights in the past 1.5 years that I felt I was not good enough. I am seeing my confidence and passion diminish bit by bit. There were nights I would burst out crying uncontrollably after work in my husband’s car or on my bed. Those nights were terrible, and even right now thoughts about those nights would send tears welling up in my eye. If this even makes sense, I feel sad that I felt so sad. I wondered, “Am I depressed or burnt out? Or is it both?”

I wanted to make a change, to inspire a world of good. But I seemed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it. I wondered if maybe my ambition was too big, or that I wasn’t good enough or maybe there are some environment or circumstances that are just beyond me. I didn’t have the energy to continue on. My body hurts literally, having many one too many aches and it is affecting my emotions as well.

There would come many days that I have this thought, “I missed being happy.”

A friend asked me, “Why are not happy? You’re married to the love of your life!!! If work is making you so unhappy you must do something about it to change”.

I think she’s right. And so are the many people whom I’ve shared my pain. Thanks for spending the time to hear me out, I truly appreciate it.

But me being me, as indecisive as ever till I get frustrated enough. I would weigh the pros and cons of giving up. And there are indeed one too many considerations. I still see some good in my work, I still loved the children, I still loved my colleagues to leave them, I still wanted to make a change. I wanted to avoid the hassle, and on some good days I still thought, “maybe it’s not all too bad”. Maybe I can do this, maybe this will pass, maybe I can persevere on. Maybe this is the season God want me to go through. Maybe my character will get better if I persevere on. There are always things to learn wherever I am at. After all this thoughts, yeah, sure, all these could still be possible.

Although these past few months were tough. I do see myself opening up more, and learning more about myself. Instead of keeping all my thoughts and emotions to my head, I’m also learning to release them. 

I am still afraid but I’m learning to be brave to give up and to open up. 

Pastor once mentioned that our dreams are like plants it will come to a point where they die, and then it will grow again. I know I have given my best and my best years to the children and I’d like to believe that I still can do that. I pray that God will grant me peace and grace to finish the race, or to open up a new path. 

But no matter if God grant me the courage to give up or to strength to persevere, I don’t deny that this season is tough but this too shall pass. I won’t deny that I am doing ok. I am NOT ok on many days and that’s maybe that’s ok as long as I’m real with it and I deal with it instead of hiding it.

Please pray for me and cheer for me ◡̈

Growing up

Hi Blog,

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted my previous blog post. Before Instagram had successfully (or rather conveniently) displaced this blog to allow me to post snippets of my life, thoughts and feelings. There were a few times over the past 4 years when I wanted to write on this blog, and I wonder why I eventually did not.

But here I am again, finally, taking time out on this very special Christmas day, to share with an audience that perhaps God would draw them here to read. And if God sustains, may you read the entire post or even my past posts. Thank you, whoever you may be, for being curious enough to click on my blog link that I placed on social media bios that remains unfrequently changed. I think my profile pictures hasn’t been changed for many years too. And who knows the next time that I might change may be my wedding photos. Which is coming faster that I thought. I thank God that my boyfriend had been promoted to my Fiancé and that I love him more now than I did since the previous blog post, more than I did 9 years before.

In my previous blog post, I concluded my 2 years of teaching at GEC and geared up to climb mount university. Thank you God, for giving my inspiring lecturers and aspiring classmates who shared the dream to inspire a world of good. In my heart, I knew God would sustain me to ascend the mountain, and beyond my imagination, he has granted me to learn, grow and achieve much.

And with much prayer, I applied to go back to work in the same organisation I had left 4 years ago. I prayed that God will use me wherever I am, and as with many posts before, I hoped that God’s light may shine through me.

In the beginning, I was anxious for God to launch and use me quickly to be a blessing and do good for the early childhood industry. But a few months into my new job, I realised that even if it takes 50 years before I served the purpose He intended for me, I will be just as pleased. I needed to trust him, and this helped a lot with my transition back to work and my new role which I am greatly humbled to take on. It doesn’t matter if I lose my job or my role, I only needed to give my sincere best and trust that God will lead the way. After all, going into the early childhood industry been God’s calling and against every fiber of my personality. Those who know me would know that I am an introvert who couldn’t even raise a hand in class to speak. And only God can cause this shy soul to sing confidently (and sometimes out of tune) and reach out to so many tiny souls (and sometimes their parents too).

I thought I had learnt so much in Uni, I thought that I was equipped and ready to be a very good teacher. Well I thought wrong, because I felt myself learning more and more as I interacted with fellow colleagues and through every lesson that I teach.

And as time goes, I became addicted to the children’s bright eyes and infectious smiles. Their little quirks and funny remarks made me fall head over heels so many times. Never thought I could love that much. And when I left my most recent batch of children due to class promotion, God knows how many times I held back my tears. Even in my sleep I dreamt that they cried and I woke up crying too. I wonder if anyone could resonate with this feeling. It felt almost like a breakup. Daryl said it was like this:

Even though it was hard to leave them, I had been telling them that I will always love them, and I had been telling myself that the reason why I am so sad is because I truly loved them and had given my very best to love, care and teach them. And that in itself is a very good thing.

Sometimes hard decisions had to be made in hope for the greater good. They were a lovely batch, they will continue to grow well and be taught well, and I will be happy for them.

In the meantime, my new class is not an easy bunch, but I prayed so much these few days that I will love them just as much in time to come. Dear God, help me into fulfill your commands.

John 15:12-13

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

Help me to love all I meet, especially the tiny precious jewels of yours, especially the ones that are hard to love.

1 Peter 4:10-11

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Grant me the strength to teach and care for the children, to lead and inspire the teachers around me. Lord, help me to be faithful and help me not to give up when challenges arise. Help me to shine Your light so that others might see You and give You praise for all the good You had done on our lives.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

—

Looking back, it has been more 6 years since I took on my first class, and a decade since I pursued to study early childhood. Some people asked me not to work too hard, but I have no regrets giving my best years to the little precious ones.

Next year will be another transition, I can’t wait to marry the love of my life and begin a family of my own. Some things might change, but then again, some things never will.

Who knows my next post might be four years later?

Who knows many years down the road I can publish the posts as the diary of an aspiring teacher, like the book I’m reading now, the Diary of Anne Frank.

May we always dream big and believe in the good. That God will work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)

We can build our hopes in God, and this day, we celebrate the hope of the world born to us 2000 years ago.

Merry Christmas everyone,

Stay safe, stay hopeful. Goodbye Covid-19, and hello 2021.

Memoirs of Teacher Esther

The best thing about teaching is to see the joy in the children’s faces. Their excitement made every effort to plan for the lesson worthwhile. The proudest moment comes when they exclaim excitedly to you their discovery, when they assimilate and apply what was taught to them in their tiny yet astronomical minds . The simplest “Teacher Esther, this is straight line!” to me is as big a milestone as them taking their first steps.

Sheri asked me the other day “What is that one thing you’ll miss the most about your job?” I told her, I’ll miss being able to comfort them. I’ll miss wiping them their tears away and helping them recover from their separation anxiety. I’ll miss wiping their tears away when they have conflicts with their friend, when they fall or when things didn’t go their way. While I have to admit, I’m sometimes the reason for their tears when they were disciplined for their actions, I’ll miss wiping their tears away at the quiet corner, speaking to them about what’s right and wrong, and giving them a hug afterwards. My heart absolutely breaks, when a child cries, hugs me and says he’s sorry. I guess it’s never easy to have to discipline a child for his/her mistakes. But the hug has this special effect. It seemed to mend the broken hearts, and connect hearts together. It made me love them more. Perhaps that is why the bible in Proverbs 3:12 says”the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” And perhaps that is why they say “打是爱骂是疼”. Ok, never 打 but 骂是疼.

I’m so thankful for these two years. I’ve learnt so much and gained so much. The children taught me so much. I’ve learnt to become more patient, more forgiving, more accepting and more loving.I’ve also learnt to be stronger, firmer, braver and more responsible. I’ve learnt to eat vegetables because of them too. I mean, how could I tell them to eat when I don’t eat them right?

To be honest, my dream of working with children died so many times during my first year of working as a teacher. But now, I can’t dream of doing anything else other than working with/for children.

Thank you God, for the ups and downs. Indeed, You’ve been with me, every step of the way. The hardships that I look back upon, surely are stepping stones. Thank You for leading me up. The mountain I thought was too steep for me to climb, I made it to the peak. The view now is wonderful. And now I have another mountain to climb. Mount University. Here I come!

Forever grateful to my family, boyfriend, friends, colleagues, the darling children @GEC and their parents for their support, love and understanding of me.

All Glory Be to Christ

It has been one eventful year since I started work last year April. Will one ever forget the day they stepped into full-time work? 21st April 2014.

There’s so many feelings I couldn’t tell you. There’s so much sweat and tears you have not seen. There’s so much challenges I’ve battled. So much thoughts to reason. Have I put on the good fight? Have I finished the race? Far be from it. I know it has only begun.

But I’m glad I became stronger, I know I’ve grown more mature. I’m glad my eyes were opened to see, my heart started to understand.

I’m thankful for this opportunity to work, I’m thankful for the opportunity to learn to love the children at all times. The times when they obey, the times when they disobey.The times they hug you and kiss you. The times they hit you, shout at you.

I’m thankful for all the kind and understanding parents. Even those who are not so much, they helped me to trust God more. I’m thankful for nice colleagues.

One year ago, I gave the best i know how. Pray for me, that I will continue to give my best. To the children, to my colleagues, to my family, to my Church….To God.

Nonetheless…May the Lord be my strength. May the Holy Spirit guide my steps. May I learn to do His will..And may He be glorified.

Should nothing of our efforts stand
No legacy survive
Unless the Lord does raise the house
In vain its builders strive

Graduation

1 Peter 4:11

If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

To the God who gave me strength these 3 years.. to study, to serve in church, to teach, to love, to work…to You be all the glory. I want to always remember that I’m that girl who couldn’t even raise a hand in class before stepping into Poly. How in the world did i meet such wonderful friends, lecturers and opportunities? The medal shall always be a sign of God’s goodness to me.

Why do I believe in God?

There’s more to my incessant posts about God, my inclination towards Him anywhere and anytime. Maybe many have wondered WHY? I wasn’t always like that, if you knew me from years before. I didn’t always talk about God, I didn’t always like to go to church, I didn’t like to read to bible, didn’t like to mix with friends from church. For 15 years of my life, I had lied to get away from church, loved the things of the world, suffered from a broken heart, scribbled “I hate my life” all over the walls of my house and my cupboard, had a pimpled-filled face that made me anti-social and made me feel ugly. My self-esteem was at its lowest. I had few friends,and lost my bestest friend. I felt that I had no one. Sad to say, i tried self-harm to numb the pain i felt in my heart. Was that depression? Maybe. 

I guess I will remember how I cried one day. I was scratching my face, pinching myself and hitting myself as tears of anguish filled my eyes. I cried out to God, to give me just “one friend”. One good one, that’s all. In hindsight, I must have greatly grieved the Holy Spirit. How sad God must have been when He saw me hating myself and hurting myself and completely unaware of His marvelous plan for me? Well, I didn’t know, all i knew was, God lifted me up from that day onward. He showed me mercy beyond mercy, grace upon grace, and love that covers a multitude of sins.

My Kindergarten friend, Jeremy Lee, asked me to go to his church that same week. I found a family of friends that loved me despite my looks and shy personality. How strange is it that a kindergarten friend whom did not remember me was brought back into my life, and I met another of my primary school friend there? Their love for God touched me and made me think, “What is it that cause them to love God so much?” I was born christian, been to church since a was a baby, but i never seem to have that kind of passion for God. It was then that i truly started to seek God. I started reading my bible and started going to church with a desire to know God more. God answered my cries that day, He gave me the many friends that loved me. But today i can say, my friends were only part of the answered prayer. My real full answer to my cries that day was Christ. He gave himself to die on the cross for me, loved me beyond life itself, and drew me to himself. He was the one true friend I cried out to have. Because of Christ I have all things, even if I have nothing. Because of Him, I’m starting to step out of my shy personality. My life is filled with optimism and hope. I excelled in my studies, gained new skills and confidence.

Till this day, I am still a broken vessel being mended. I can’t say I’m largely done, but rather that there’s so many areas that I am still being healed of. Christ truly turned my mourning into joy, my weakness into strength. But my experience is not the only basis to my faith. My experience aligned with the bible, and the bible with the nature i see. Look out of the window, the light breeze, the fluffy clouds, the green leaves, and even the heart that beats within me – all these have marks of the creator. Science can answer many of our questions, but who created Science? I believe my God did.

Father, I declare that I love you, I declare my everlasting love for you. Thank You for the cross…You who had no sin became sin for our sake…that we may not die and have everlasting life. How great is your love! 

 

 

An update of my life

God is good… Through it all… No matter what.

These few weeks have been really… relaxing.. I did all the things I like to do, Read, Watch CSI, Sleep, Eat, Meet up with friends, Spend time with family, Doing chores that I am always accused of not doing… HAHAHAHA…but most importantly. I spent time with God, picked up Ukelele and learnt to play some worship songs.. Still not so pro yet, I can’t even say im at the basic level.. I still have problems strumming… but i like that i can sing and play an instrument to worship my King! Slow but steady! Tortoise also can reach the finishing line! Just have to keep my eye on the Prize! Christ Jesus my Lord!!!!!

I wish this period could last forever, but no, have to work soon!! Those who do not work, do not eat! And i love to eat so i shall work! Gonna start on 21st April! Part of me can’t wait… Gonna spend time with so many cute darlings…who doesn’t want? But surely its gonna be tough, but hey… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me… Christ who called me into this line has not failed me, He is faithful and true. I shall give my utmost for His Highest.  ^.^ P.s. PRAISE GOD for the good results He so gracefully gave me again. I truly honestly couldn’t have done it without Him. I went through grief, much *pulling out of hair*, many commitments… yet God showered me with strength, wisdom, knowledge and favour.

I’ve been learning a lot this holiday. I think this is the most productive holiday I’ve ever had. Why did I waste all my previous holidays T.T #regret… Or maybe it’s that I’m finally growing up… Finally settling down in Christ.

Anyway, to talk about sad news…. I was so sad for the plane 😦 it’s really sad to have a loved one just suddenly disappear within our senses…. Poof, no more 😦 I know how it feels, but i also do not know how they felt.. It must have been horrible. We must love every second.. Every second spent without love is a second wasted.. We do not know when God would take us, but we have to be ready for it… My prayers for them are that they’ll be comforted by the God of Comfort… and find Strength in him.

This kind, say only, doing is hard… How to love every second of your life… May the Holy Spirit help me. I wish to draw closer to God…but i feel that im still so far away… So much to be moulded to, so much to change and learn…I could only pray that God will keep me, till the last day. 

Once you loved somebody, they stay in your heart forever.

This quote in the movie “Brother bear 2” is one that i had never forgotten. How true is that? ‘Once you loved somebody, they stay in your heart forever..’

If words are never enough to explain love, then words are never enough to explain grief. Yet, if I can even try to attempt explaining it.. i would say.. Grief is not the absence of love..it is the lost of touch, sight, smell, hearing of the one you love…Love lasts forever…I can still feel the love…It is so tangible, so present, so strong.. as though all the hugs and kisses were just a second ago. I would smile ever so brightly, brimmed with so much love and joy thinking about your lovely smiles and warm hugs and kisses…until I remember that these memories will have to last me for another few decades, until I see you again in heaven.

But I’m not without hope. Oh how beautiful is that hope that comforts a grieving heart! That hope that cause me to be even more grateful to Christ, for giving me the chance to see my dear aunt again. This hope ameliorates pain, displaces sorrow and removes darkness in death.

1 THESSALONIANS 4:13-18

13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Through death, I gained a step closer to understanding life, I gained a step closer to grasping the concept of love. In fact, I think my life will henceforth change with the impact that was left on me.

“Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our life?
Or if the moments in our lives make us.” – One Tree Hill

19 years and 6 months — till forever my Aunt loved me unconditionally. And i look back at 19 years and 6 months.. Have i really loved anyone unconditionally before? What does it mean to love? I thought i knew…Perhaps i knew, yet always forget. I hope now it will cause me to always remember. It is truly to sacrifice. It is truly placing others before yourself.

In the last 2 months, my Aunt had been just lovely. She knew she was going to go, yet she prayed so earnestly for me always whenever I’m with her. During my visitations to her at the hospice, she tries to get to me leave early always..constantly worried for me that i would be late for my appointments. When i asked her “why do you want me to go?” she replied “No la, i never want you to leave. Stay with me forever also can. You can go la, later you late” My regret is that I left. I wished i stayed with her longer, even if it’s for an extra minute each time, just to look at her smile, to show her my love.

Dear Koko Ah Chee,

I’ll miss your calls to me everyday, I’ll miss eating meals with you, I’ll miss listening to your stories, I’ll even miss going to hospitals for checkup with you, I’ll miss your laughter, I’ll miss your scoldings, I’ll miss holding your hands, I’ll miss you telling how beautiful i am, I’ll miss you warmth hugs and kisses, I’ll miss all the words you say to me, I’ll miss your smell, I’ll miss seeing you. Jesus loves you, and you are with him now. Thank you for all your love, I will continue loving others with the love you gave me. I’ll meet you real soon. And on that day, we will surely embrace and be happy forevermore. We will pray together like usual, and worship God together like usual…And smile and each other again like usual..

2014

What…happened…..? I had been so busy that i didn’t prepare my heart for 2014… But i do have wishes n goals for 2014! shall think now as i type.

To be more like Christ in all that i do, in all decisions that i make to please my God to the best of my ability.

To be more confident in speech and more fluent in words. 

Sleep early, wake up early and have fruitful days! 

Take care of my physical, to let my outward reflect my inward………

I want to be a better girlfriend

I want to be a better friend

i want to be a better daughter

i want to be a better servant for Christ

i want to be a better lover of God.. to know Him more everyday…

Be more flexible in all my plans & learn to trust more

Be kinder in words and loving in acts

Show grace to all as i have received.

 

2013 taught me a lot…exhausting…………even till this point! But i really hope one day i can come back and review all of the lessons i have learnt for 2013. Maybe Februrary or March. Till then….. I will give my best! LAST TWO MONTHS OF POLYTECHNIC LETS GO! 

In every victory, let it be said of me: My source of strength, my source of hope, is Christ alone

9 months of 2013 flew past just like that, but to me, I think it is one of the most fruitful year i have had…This is the year I interned for 3months with my dear k2s, did my major project, brought my r/s with Daryl to another level through army, but most of all…this is the year i caught the glimpse of the greatness of God.

I’ve known God for all my life…But i felt as if scales fall off from my eyes only recently..and the scales are falling day by day…What have I been doing for the past 19 years of my life? What have I been feeding myself? Ultimately, I am going to die…am i ready to stand before my God to be called His faithful servant? 

I’m learning so much about God, about life…Almost everyday I’ll get a new and stronger revelation. Indeed…His word is a lamp unto my feet…the treasure of my heart.

Every breath i have, is given to me by my God…”For in him we live and move and have our being…” Acts 17:28

 I really thank God, and i want to give all glory to God for my good results. This semester results that i received a few weeks ago, was my 3rd 4.0 gpa! & my very first pass with commendation for my internship :’) Honestly, i never thought i could make it. Not with my voice, not with my low confidence and lack of a multitude of skills. I thank God for placing within me all that i needed to succeed in my academics… There are many things i lacked, but my God is all that i ever need to have. Semester 3.2 is approaching real quick.. And it’s going to be as tough..and I am still nothing.. yet everything with Christ in me.